THE FOOTNOTES

WHAT DO YOU MEAN RED?

They tell me that Winston Churchill never used the word red. He knew enough about the English language to choose precisely the most accurate representation of a particular tone. Apparently, nothing was really red, but a variation. To illustrate the point, something might be cerise , canna,, claret, damask , or perhaps, henna, and Churchill would describe it thusly.

Lacking Churchill’s command of the language , however, when my toe has the gout , I don’t know whether to say it is salmon, titian or raddle in color so in the interest of clarity and accuracy, I simply call it sore

Now , because of those drapes hanging in front of my face when I am composing what could turn out to be the best essay to have ever been written on this subject on our street this week, except for what my wife turns out, I find myself grappling with that age old question of what color are those drapes, a distraction which seriously impedes, and frequently blocks my creative impulses to the point where I throw up my hands and implore the good lord to lead me to an acceptable solution of my perplexity. From what I can figure from the response or lack thereof, from on high, I get the impression that good lord will not dignify my request by giving a sign or otherwise taking a position, and really doesn’t care much, one way or the other having more worthy prayers to consider. In my futility I think I will call the drapes red , be happy with that and get back to my skillful word-smithing.

Have you had the privilege of viewing me wearing my new bright

form- fitting red t-shirt which does so much to set off my finely sculpted torso with bulges hauntingly begging the question “ what wonders hath god wrought? “ Perhaps you did and simply were unimpressed because you’ve seen better. Whatever. This latest supplement to my wardrobe is emblazoned with a small, round emblem on the front, and boldly lettered Manchester United on the back. Seeing me wearing this, It would not be difficult to envision me on the soccer pitch at Old Trafford leading MANU to victory over a stubborn but out manned opponent, dashing boldly, some might say daringly, even provocatively , from one end of the field to the other at high speed, a daring and heroic figure , the darling , might I say of the 80,000 fans of this English Premier League Championship team, cheering wildly, yes, unrestrainedly my every move, and more than likely to bestow upon me the loving appellation “Our favorite Yank!”

# posted by Noonski @ 4:20 PM